I have spoken with lots of people over the past few weeks around anxiety, pressure and ‘Imposter Syndrome’. In general, these have all been people who no one would imagine would feel any of these things, yet the reality is that most of us do sometimes. It was amazing to me the first time I realised that I wasn’t the only one that suffered from Imposter Syndrome, and it was even more incredible to discover that you’re really the exception if you don’t!

I love that idea that one day we will all get found out, I sometimes imagine the chaos that could ensue if we all got found out on the same day! The reality is that we all have a part of us who is that much younger self, who yearns for the lack of responsibility, sense of freedom, that when we had it, we didn’t appreciate enough. It feels ridiculous to that younger part of us, that we now have other people dependent on us and that we’re meant to be the grown-ups. Whether that is as parents or in our working lives or both, we have a sense that we are ‘winging it’ whilst everyone else seems to know what they’re doing. 

There is nothing worse to feed Imposter Syndrome than comparison. Imagine something that you do on a fairly regular basis, and then imagine that you had no-one to compare yourself to when doing that thing. Whether it be parenting, teaching, training, making tea, playing football – well anything really – how much more enjoyment may we get out if it, if we just did it to the best of our ability without comparing ourselves to anyone else. Take singing, I love singing. I have always loved singing, from always being the backup singer to my sister in the back of the car, to singing in musicals, to singing to my children as babies. Am I a good singer? Well, my husband describes me as enthusiastic (and I think we all know what that means). So, am I a good singer? – well when I am on my own in my car with the windows firmly closed – I am awesome. However, when I am singing alongside others, maybe not so much. I am suddenly conscious of whether I’m off key, whether I’m as good as they are, I wonder how they hold those notes and when did they actually breathe. I forget to enjoy it and I just start to compare. Now as I am not Madonna (or someone more relevant in 2021), it doesn’t really matter, and my family just have to put up with my singing whether they like it or not. I can still enjoy it in the privacy of my own home or car and I won’t be appearing on BGT any time soon. However, what if this was a key aspect of my job? Or something that really impacted on my life?

The problem with today’s culture is that comparison is everywhere and this for me is a vital part of why Imposter Syndrome is even more profound a feeling today than in the past. We can literally google (other search engines are available) anyone doing anything and thus compare ourselves to them instantaneously. We rarely just enjoy doing something, because even in our search for learning to grow or develop that skill, we inevitably come across loads of people doing that same skill and often better than us. Our children are growing up in a culture of constant comparison and that is genuinely concerning. If we are thinking about a resilient child, with self-belief and ambition, then these comparisons can be inspiring, challenging and drive them to do better. However, if we consider the child lacking self-belief and self-confidence, then suddenly these comparisons just give me another reason to stop trying. 

NLP talks about people being either ‘Internally Referenced’ or ‘Externally Referenced’. In really simple terms, you, perhaps lucky ones out there who are naturally and strongly Internally Referenced know within yourself when you have done a good job, you are able to provide your own motivation and you may even have difficulty accepting other people’s opinions. If, however you are Externally Referenced then you need other people’s opinions and without them you may find it difficult to assess how well you are doing, and you may need someone to tell you that you are doing a good job. Now neither is wrong and these are the extremes and as with most things a healthy balance of both can be useful, however when we think about the influence of comparisons then it is obvious to see that those of us who are more Externally Referenced can fall into the trap of not trusting in our own abilities or talents really easily. That doubt can creep in because the external sources that we are comparing ourselves to are telling us that we are not as good at something as someone else, or indeed anyone else. 

Social Media and online videos or images only exacerbate this further, as often we are not even seeing a true comparison. We compare ourselves to an image that for all we know may have taken 3 hours to perfect, is filtered within an inch of its life and is taken from that perfect angle. I was watching some stunts that these YouTubers had posted with my son the other day, and I felt compelled to emphasise that whilst these stunts were indeed impressive, there was nothing about how many times they had practiced them, how genuine they were, or how they had been edited to look just right. A quote that really resonated with me when thinking about all this is:

The random glimpses we get into each other’s lives tell us absolutely nothing about what’s going on for them other than the bit they wish to share in that moment. This is true in general, never mind in the virtual world. Comparisons are made by children and adults about what we should be aspiring to, based on stories, images and films that have been shared or posted by people entirely because they want to tell someone or want someone to see them. There are parts of all of us and our lives that we less readily share and certainly not with strangers, and often these may be the parts of ourselves that we are less happy or confident about. It’s no surprise then, that we see others and wonder why they don’t have the problems that we have, of course they have, they’re just not telling you that bit. 

So, its reaffirming sometimes to share our insecurities, our vulnerabilities and our areas where we lack confidence. Not only because it will help someone else to see that, but the chances are also we will get someone sharing back. It’s important for our children to see that we have these doubts and areas where we have less confidence too, and then for them to see us take on the challenge or have a go anyway. Despite being British, it is okay to share our accomplishments and successes too, and especially those that have happened by overcoming an obstacle or a moment of panic maybe? 

If you are suffering from a bit of Imposter Syndrome, take a moment to separate your feelings from the facts. Think about the evidence you have that you are more than capable of doing whatever it is your thinking about. Chances are you have done it or something similar before with some success, and chances are you’ll succeed this time too. Accentuate your positive attributes, what do you feel confident about right now? what is going really well? Also take a moment to consider how other people see you, how would they describe you and what complimentary things would they say? Whatever you are about to face, someone believed you could do it because that is why you are here. If it is work related think about how you were asked to do the presentation, meeting, session – whatever it might be. Usually, we are asked to do something because someone has seen something in us that makes them think we can do a good job of it. Remind yourself of what they saw. I think the other thing that can help is preparation. The more confident you feel about your knowledge base, the more confident you will feel in the moment. Trust yourself to know the stuff that you know. 

In terms of our children, we can’t stop them seeing and making these comparisons, however what we can try and do is build their ability to more critically assess what they are seeing, rather than just critically assessing themselves. We need to talk to children about the fact that what they are seeing may not be real or may be manipulated and then they can hopefully respond to it more appropriately. Likewise, as adults we have to model this too. We need to be mindful of how we talk in front of them – if we are constantly comparing ourselves to others and putting ourselves down as a result, then so will they. 

So, although many of you reading this may be heading into a half term, return after the holiday trusting that you are in the position you are in because you absolutely deserve to be there. Don’t compare yourselves to others, unless it is to help you grow and learn. They won’t do it like you, because they are not you. They may appear to be more confident and capable, although chances are their younger part is screaming ‘Imposter’ at them sometimes too. Remember this for yourself and also when supporting or working with others – if they are Internally Referenced, they will really appreciate and may even need your positive feedback, and if they are Externally Referenced, they will take the bits they need and will still be grateful that you gave it anyway. At the end of the day, we’re all just pretending to be grown-ups, so let’s help each other with that through being supportive, being curious and just being kind. 

#becurious #justbekind #impostersyndrome